I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
