I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
