Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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