dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
