You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
