Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
