he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I am full of burrito and curiosity
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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