I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Randomize
