I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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