I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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