I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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