I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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