the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
