dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
