i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
