My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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