apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
