just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
