I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
