So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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