can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
