Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
