I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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