yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
