do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
