I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
can u get pink eye on your cock?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
