apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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