Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
