Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
