I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
