i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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