Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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