somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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