my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
