i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
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