I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
