dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
