you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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