fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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