Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Randomize
