I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
