Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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