I want to stick my p in your. b.
i would punch a child for taco bell
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
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