He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
