my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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