last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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