saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
