There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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