Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
