First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
