apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
