I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I touched a dick in church today
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
