so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
