I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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