What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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