well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
